Tuesday 24th October 2017,
Wakasm Dot Com

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved

Overall Score
75.0
out of 100
Fuck yeah!

Awesome price point. The first cheap and affordable downloadable game.

2

Strong replay value. Captures that old arcade feel perfectly.

4.5

Strong controls. Great modern twin stick shooter.

1.5

Dying sometimes feels cheap. Even though it's probably just because I lack the skill to reach that high score. Rage.

-1.1

While strong replay value, game does get repetitive quickly.

-0.5

(The voice of this review is that of a southern country Reverend who is giving a speech in a gospel church. It sounded much more fun in my head when i wrote it!.)

Reverend Amen. You may take your seats.

Response: Amen

Reverend: A new evil is among our brethren in a much unexpected form – The Xbox 360. It’s wickedness has mothers fornicating through Craig’s List and has soulless boxes selling on Ebay for more than people can afford. People… oh Lord, normally MORAL people are a scramblin’ and a cursin’ as the serpent is reaching into the pockets of every consumer… TAKING the money for such a system. Each Victim is then teased… TORTURED… with screenshots of games that are yet to be, all the while being forced to buy an assortment of average (to below-average) games that are woefully priced even MORE than what people are used to. Hear me now. Despite this vicious mockery, your cries have been heard! Amen!

Response: Amen.

Reverend: The heavens have blessed us in a way to help us fight back our losses and enjoy what we have earned. Fight back indeed. We have been given a over the top free roaming shooter. A Robotron meets asteroids for our modern world. It is in Geometry Wars that our prayers have been answered! Give me a Hallelujah.

Response: Hallelujah.

Reverend: I know what you are thinking. What exactly IS this creation that the Almighty has bestowed down upon us. Can you merely talk about the Mona Lisa?

Response: No!

Reverend: Can you just tell a stranger what the Sistine Chapel is and have him understand it in all of his glory?

Response: No!

Reverend: Well Reverend Gamer will try to describe to you the best that he can but play for yourself to be enlightened. Geometry Wars… the name just brings me the shivers…. I say, Geometry WARS is so simple a five year old can play. You captain a ship on a quest to take on geometry shapes for the highest score in the universe. You have no reason. No story. No convoluted motivation. No blood. No violence – even God himself never said not to hurt a Triangle! – Just controlling your ship with one analog stick and shooting with another in any direction that you so choose. Upgrades come as the score increases giving either more bullets OR a slight heat seeking capability to your shots. The only alternative is to use a screen-filling bomb to clear a path – but this is limited to a set number as you only start off with three.

Response: Amen!

Reverend: Amen indeed sisters and brothers! I say. One of your cries to the Almighty was to give the world something to play that would keep purses heavy and worries light! Something anyone could enjoy without having to sell their kid. So no one would have to chop off that leg just to participate. So no one would EVER have to give up a month’s pay just to put a smile on that little gamer inside each and every one of us.

And there is a Gamer in each and every one of us. Look around. There is a gamer in you.

There is a gamer in you as well.

That is one reason the Lord things we are special creatures! Our ability….. to game.

And within Geometry Wars the answer lies! It only costs 5 dollars and can be downloaded instantly onto a hard drive. Give me an Amen for such an idea!

Response: ::cries:: Amen!

Reverend: The other day a teacher came up to me and asked “Father. How come there is nothing well made for the Xbox 360? Why do they sell me games that lack in fun and challenge.”

I replied. “Pray. Pray and have faith my child”.

And indeed this game is challenging as each shape and color of the enemy signified a different AI pattern. Green diamonds avoid your fire while purple squares with an X split up upon shooting. Red circles beware! They alter gravity around them and suck in everything like a black whole! The list goes on… and learning your enemy is just part of the fun AND the challenge… a simple graphical interface alongside an awesomely AI and twitch gameplay.

Response:

Reverend: In confession… a young male in his 20’s confided in me. He said “Father…. why oh why is nothing on the Xbox 360 addicting and entertaining? Why do I spend all of money and still have my soul feel empty?”

Heartbreaking it was… but I asked him to have faith. That is right my children. He who has faith will now be fulfilled with Geometry Wars! This game IS the angel’s answer to each of our cries! A Masterpiece… that you could LOOOVVVEEE and cherish for a time to come! Much like a marriage to a loved one. The clouds opened up to give us Geometry Wars. Give me a hell yeah!

Response: Hell yeah!

Reverend: Your souls cried out in unison…. Old School and Competition! You yearned for the good ol’ days in which even Jesus played to get his high score even higher. To mimic the times of quarters and arcades… to find enlightenment in self improvement! Well then it is within YOUR faith that creator gave us Geometry Wars!

Response: Amen!

Reverend: Geometry wars has it all. Simplistic and addicting game play all for one eighth of the price for what you pay for some of the other games around. The sound is superb and doesn’t seem to annoy in it’s repetitiveness. It instead sounds like a hymn from a choir of angels pushing you on to that next million high-score. Geometry Wars brings us together by using the Live service and allows you to even compare your high score just among your friends!

Response: Amen! (everyone looks around and starts to embrace loved ones)

Reverend: Think about the savings too! All savings that this game brings can help out charities or can be saved for education! The visuals are simplistic but still up to par with modern standards. The soundtrack sounds like electronic harmonics that sing out to the good in all of us and keeps gamer within happy as well. Even the controls are so simplistic that anyone of any age can play!

Our Lord truly is a gamer… now let us pray.

Everyone : Amen.

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